By Elizabeth Bernstein
If you’d like to make your New Year’s resolutions stick, try this: Have someone else—a significant other, your best friend, a co-worker, maybe even your mom—make them for you.
Sure, resolutions are supposed to be personal. People can’t change unless they’re ready to change. And having someone else tell you how you could become a better person could be terrifying.
But Mark Twain pretty much got it right when he said we make our annual good resolutions on New Year’s Day and “begin paving hell with them as usual” the following week.
Most of us could use help achieving our goals. Who better to tell us how to improve ourselves than someone who knows us well—perhaps better than we know ourselves—and even may be all too happy to offer up some tough love? And if we promise to check in regularly with this person to discuss our progress, we’ll probably do a much better job of keeping our resolutions.
“We all have blind spots, but the people we are intimate with can see through them,” says David Palmiter, a couples therapist and professor of psychology at Marywood University, in Scranton, Pa. A loved one can encourage us to meet our goals and hold us accountable when we slip, he says.
Elizabeth and Michael Singer made each other’s New Year’s resolutions last December while driving home to New York after spending Christmas in Washington, D.C. Ms. Singer, a 55-year-old psychoanalyst, broached the subject. Her husband, 54, had retired from his antique jewelry business several years earlier and was feeling restless. He was also spending a lot of time at home. She suggested a goal for him for the coming year: “Start a new company. Get out of my hair.”
The couple, who have been married 19 years and live in Forest Hills, N.Y., brainstormed about what type of business Mr. Singer could create. Then, Ms. Singer came up with two more resolutions for her husband: Choose movies that the entire family would want to watch together. And eat more healthfully.
“Next year, the sandwich named for you at the corner deli will be tofu and sprouts, not pastrami with roasted peppers and Russian dressing,” she told him.
Then she did something really brave. She asked her husband to come up with resolutions for her. At first, he insisted that she was perfect. (“I didn’t want to hurt her feelings,” he says.) Eventually he gave her three goals: Be more adventurous and bold. Stop criticizing yourself so much. Cook dinner twice a month.
The Singers took their resolutions seriously. In February, Mr. Singer launched a tutoring company. He has started eating salads and sushi. Meanwhile, Ms. Singer has taken a writing workshop and created a group therapy program for actors. And she has been trying to silence her inner drillmaster.
Both husband and wife admit to feeling a little offended by one of the suggested resolutions, although neither told the other.
Ms. Singer, who sees clients in the evening and feels guilty about coming home late, thought it was unfair that her husband expected her to cook. Mr. Singer felt hurt that his wife seemed to be telling him to lose weight. Still, they are proud of what they have achieved.
“We are not perfect,” Mr. Singer says. “But we help each other.”
I decided to ask some close friends and family members to make New Year’s resolutions for me. Here’s what they said:
“Be better at staying in touch.”
“Take a long walk on the beach every morning in a darling little outfit.” (Thanks, Mom.)
“Rent a Porsche convertible for a week.” (“I think you have a flamboyant side that you keep clamped down, and you need to let it out,” my friend explained.)
It was unanimous that I should exercise more—I tried not to be offended—call more and become more involved in social and volunteer opportunities in Miami, where I recently moved. And then there was this: “Make a recording of yourself singing ‘Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien’—and let me hear it!”
Karen Pratt got tired of making the same New Year’s resolutions year after year: Exercise. Spend quality time with friends. Attend more cultural events. So she asked her son, Ben, 12 years old at the time, to identify several things she did that he found annoying and wanted her to change. She pledged to work on them throughout the year and to check in with him every few months for feedback.
Ben came up with three resolutions for her: Call him Ben, not Benji or Budge. Stop pausing in a conversation to define a word she thought he didn’t know. And be more direct when asking him to do something.
Then he asked his mom to give him a goal. She asked him to tell her when he was angry with her, instead of keeping his feelings to himself, so she could try and fix the situation.
That was 10 years ago. Mother and son continue to make resolutions for each other. Over the years, Mr. Pratt has asked his mother to be more consistent with her swimming workouts and “reduce hovering.” (“Cut me some slack,” Ms. Pratt replied.)
Ms. Pratt has asked her son, who now lives with her in Manhattan, to text her each night when he gets home.
Both say that making resolutions together has improved their ability to communicate, especially about difficult issues.
“It helps that she asks for them,” says Mr. Pratt, 22, a recent college graduate. ”Sometimes you don’t know what you need to change regarding your relationships with those around you.”
How do you make a resolution for a loved one without insulting him or her? Be positive. Tell your loved one what he means to you—and be sincere in your praise, Dr. Palmiter says.
Then have a conversation. Ask a question, such as: How do you feel physically? Offer a solution: “I think you would sleep better if you found a way to relax in the evening that didn’t involve alcohol.”
“You really see New Year’s resolutions in a different light,” says Ms. Pratt, 57, a nonprofit consultant. ”You realize that if you work on these things during the year, it will really help your relationship move in a more positive direction.”
How to Ask for Assistance When Setting Goals
Start with a ‘gratitude letter.’ Tell the other person what you appreciate about him. This ‘will make you more likely to be open to the more critical information to follow,’ says David Palmiter, a couples therapist in Scranton, Pa.
Share a positive goal first, then ask for suggestions on how you can reach it and other goals.
If there’s a resolution you think you will resent or don’t want to hear, say you’re already working on it. Ask if there are any aspects you might not be aware of.
Agree to check in periodically to monitor progress. Consider setting up a schedule of quarterly performance reviews.
If you are hurt or offended by a suggestion, tell the other person. Ask them to be gentle.
If you think a resolution is wrong, say so.
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